How to impress your client

I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago.

While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner,
enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important client who was a! lso
flying to Seattle , but she was running a little bit late.

Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft
chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do
me a favor."

"Yes?"

"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, and I' m
waiting for a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives
as to come walk by and just say "Hi Tom?"

"Sure."

I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat. About ten
minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk
business. A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was
Bill Gates.

"Hi, Tom," he said.

I replied, "Shut up, Bill, I'm in a meeting."

Negotiations

Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his balls.

The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates."

The woman replies, "Yes. We're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we."

Plane trip

Two Arabs are waiting for the NY-Washington DC shuttle to take off. Zakawi is in the window seat; Khattab in the middle.

Just before the door is closed, Moshe, a chubby little Jewish man, rushes to his aisle seat beside the Arabs.

As the plane takes off, Moshe settles in, removes his shoes and takes out his newspaper. Just as he gets comfortable, the Arab in the window seat Zakawi stands up and says, "Excuse me, I'd like to get a Coke." (Shuttle flights are "self-service"Wink

"Relax," says Moshe. "I'll get it for you."

While he's gone, Zakawi picks up Moshe’s shoe and spits in it.

Moshe returns and hands his seat mate his drink and once again, settles in. The moment he's comfortable, Khattab says, "You know. That looks good. I think I'd like one, too."

"Sit! Sit! Let me get it for you!" says Moshe, who obligingly fetches another drink.

While he's gone, Khattab hawks a big lugie into the other shoe.

Moshe returns, hands Khattab his drink, and they all sit back and mind their own business for the remainder of the quick flight.

Just before the plane lands, Moshe slips his shoes back on and instantly realizes what they've done.

Moshe sighs and asks: "This enmity between our people is tragic! How long must this anger and hatred continue? Spitting in the shoes? Peeing in the Coke?"

Hippie Tricked Nun Into Sex

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the male bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off ‘her’ mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

Divorcing

A man in Chicago calls his son in New York the day before Christmas and says, “I hate to ruin Christmas this year, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Atlanta and tell her.”

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”

She calls Chicago immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own way.”

Alex Ferguson

Alex Ferguson is the one of the guests of honour at the Miss World Beauty pageant. During the interval all the guests and contestants are mingling over drinks. Sir Alex is besieged by three of the most beautiful women in the world.

Miss Venezuela pops the first question. "Sir Alex, I admire your management skills and all you have achieved and the trophies you have won." Sir Alex acknowledges her flattering remark, but she then lowers the left strap of her dress and reveals her left breast and says,"Can you autograph this please?" Sir Alex now bemused, duly obliges.

Miss Croatia pops the second question. "Sir Alex, I admire the way you play psychological games with your opponents even before you play them." Sir Alex acknowledges her flattering remark, but she then lowers the right strap of her dress and reveals her right breast and says,"Can you autograph this please?" Sir Alex, again bemused, duly obliges.

Miss Argentina pops the third question. "Sir Alex, I admire the way you motivate your players and shield them like they were your own sons." Sir Alex acknowledges her flattering remark, but she then lifts up her dress and reveals the fact she is wearing no underwear at all and is completely shaved, and says, "Can you please autograph this please."

At this, Sir Alex just loses it, "NO! NO! NO! The last time I signed a bald Argentinian cunt it cost me £28 million!!!"

Smelly Cat

One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her and put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. She had no name so we named her Pussycat.

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband, [the complainer] said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." My husband and my vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my husband El-cheap-O. My husband calls him Take-0. They love to hate each other.

Next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, which was located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. In the midst of the waiting room crowd, a side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband, "Your wife's pussy is finally clean and shaved. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she's pregnant. God knows who the father is!" And he closed the door.